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THE 3 RULES

3 Rules to Navigate Difficult Conversations

1. ASSUME THE BEST

2. SET ASIDE ANGER & FEAR

3. AIM FOR DIRECT & DRAMA-FREE CONVERSATION

RULE 1

ASSUME THE BEST

The toughest rule to master and the most crucial: You must challenge the stories you tell yourself about others. Whether accurate or not, these narratives always steer you away from what needs to be said. Or conversely, leads you to say something you shouldn’t. The key is to assume the best, even in challenging situations.

Replace negative assumptions with the belief that the other party seeks a rational, respectful conversation with shared objectives. It's not naivety but the foundation that cultivates discussions towards satisfying resolutions and brings out the best in both sides.

This practice doesn't excuse bad behavior but gives you the only clear runway to uncover what’s underneath it. Despite initial discomfort, this rule cultivates courage, clarity, and calmness, fostering drama-free communication and in my and my clients experience gets you back to the calming parasympathetic nervous system.

RULE 2

SET ASIDE ANGER & FEAR

Emotions serve a dual purpose in relationships, acting as crucial indicators of our preferences and needs while also posing a risk of fueling destructive behaviors. Strong reactions often trace back to deeply ingrained narratives, and if not managed properly, they jeopardize the very connections we strive to build.

For some, fear and anger act as silencers, fostering quiet resentment over time. The key lies in a thorough understanding of your own anger and fear, appreciating their protective intent (yes, it sounds a bit shrinky), and kindly asking them to step aside. This creates space to craft a message that articulates your thoughts, preferences, questions, needs, or requests clearly.

By mastering the art of handling intense feelings, we gain the ability to communicate our needs without placing blame on others. This sets the stage for Rule 3: fostering clear, drama-free communication.

RULE 3

AIM FOR DIRECT & DRAMA-FREE CONVERSATION

Effective communication is rarely taught explicitly.

Drama has no place in effective communication—it will always breeds resentment and defensiveness. We all need to put a quick end to that. Expressing your needs, questions, and requests clearly is the key to successful communication. If your upbringing devalued your needs and you generally felt unseen, these patterns will make this much more of a challenge. But you are up for it. I have seen it first hand.

Follow all 3 Rules to construct drama-free requests—short, calm, direct, and concise communication is a potent tool. Embrace this approach to create a world that encourages everyone to be their best. As a 3 Rules practitioner, you'll uncover tricks and techniques to master effective communication.

The usual steps of psychotherapy:

  1. Talk

  2. Notice reactions

  3. Examine reactions

  4. Explore origins of reactions

  5. Experiment with alternative reactions

  6. See good results

  7. Develop rules to maintain this growth.

The 3 Rules invert the process:

  1. Apply rules

  2. Notice resistance to rules

  3. Examine why

  4. Apologize for breaking the rule

  5. Repeat until the rules are mastered. And perhaps add an agreement within the couple or team that goes something like this: “We are committed to learn and practice these rules whenever we speak to each other., especially where we anticipate conflict.”

FINDING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS

I came to the 3 Rules by exploring the following questions:

  • Are there specific rules that successful clients follow as they near the end of their psychotherapy journey?

  • What are the unconscious rules that healthy individuals follow to create a sense of well-being in their minds and peace in their relationships, particularly during high-stakes conflicts?

Answering these questions involved reflecting on how these clients perceive themselves and the world when they communicate effectively. From there, I identified the rules that they followed to sustain this growth. Initially, I had a lengthy list of rules, which I knew would be overwhelming. To ensure simplicity, I focused on first principles since they are easier to remember and learn. I established criteria to evaluate which rules should make the final cut, making this process even more challenging.